Month: May 2017

Semi-Gloss

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How are you? Good? That’s great, happy to hear.

How am I? Well I should answer with good. I should answer with great, blessed, and happy beyond measure.

Those are true and correct but yet not quite how I feel.  When people ask you how you are, you mostly answer with gloss, maybe the way you wished you were or maybe how you think you should be.

I have a wonderful family, I have everything I have ever wanted, I have much more than I need. But still I am not satisfied. I feel a longing, I feel like something is missing, like I need more…  More of what? Well I can answer that with my long past of trial of error. I can tell you all the things it is not. It is not more money, it is not more books, it is not more stuff( that is for sure). It is not more children (though they are a blessing).

The answer is more of God! I am a christian, an acting one as well, have been for several years. But yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I know that Jesus saved me and that I have a better place to be, but yet I live like this is where I collect my treasure. I have been living trying to cling and hold my treasures.

New phone, iPad, computer. Bookshelves full, nice car, wonderful kids, hardworking good looking husband. I have these.

Inner peace, complete and utter joy, feeling of fulfillment, love pouring out. These I do not.

Now the hard truth. We gloss over our lives, we are like paint, flat is boring, glossy is too fake, we all want to be semi-gloss. Just the right amount of shine, the shine that is believable even to our selves. We can trick ourselves to think we have it. We know we should, so we act accordingly.

I have no reason to be unhappy, an unhappy christian.? how is that even possible.? It is, it is called a selfish christian, such a thing should not be possible.

Being selfish with God, he created me, he knows what I am to accomplish. But I don”t seem to care, I keep running and trying to take charge of my life, like I hold the reins, like I can really make a difference by myself, without him. No…

I’ve been doing this dance for many years. I have everything I could possible imagine and blessed beyond measure, but yet I still have a hole.

How to make myself Whole and fill the hole. Well this is a start. Rebuking, finding my sin that is keeping me from God. My idols, the things I can hold in my hands and spend more time with them than with the One who gave me life and my children’s’ lives, and all these material possessions.

People are idols too. Having a great day and run into a snag or argument, or even into someone having a bad day. Then all of a sudden even though their day or mood has nothing to do with you, you take it on like, you created it for them. Letting someone control the way you feel, letting them take away a smile, letting them take away your good mood, and replacing it with sourness, that’s the devils work. Don’t do it for him.

I write this out loud, and pray that this will help me heal my issues. I only share this to try to help someone else trying to figure this out for themselves.

There is only one way to fill the hole. That hole was put there for that exact reason, but to often than not we have to fill it with all the things it wasn’t made for before we can find Who it was made for. So please do not be has stubborn or hard headed as I, just let God fill it to start, and save yourself some trouble.

 

How people come together. Part 2

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They meet at the local dive bar after she gets off work.  They play pool, he finds out she’s actually pretty good, he lets her win a couple times, at least claims he did.

They talk and laugh. She keeps throwing money in jukebox. She dances while she walks and sings, with the look of no worries. She is relaxed, and she can not remember the last time she had this feeling.

They travel outside, away from the crowd and smoke. They looked at the moon, and they can still hear the music. They dance.. This is not a dance club nor with room or people that dance. There is a pergola with a bench and an ashtray. But they don’t notice the setting or passersby. They dance to a slow song, and then another, and another which feels like a minute and a million years all at the same time. In this moment they did not feel as strangers, they felt like they fit together, they felt like the place, the music, the whole setting, was made just for them.

This was the first date. This was the perfect one.

How people come together. Part 1

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So here I am writing about things over my head and things that I do not fully understand. Well maybe just this one thing.

Once upon time there was a girl, she was old enough to be an adult but she did not have any of the maturity of one. So she was a girl.

The first time they met she had a boyfriend, she didn’t have any kids. He had a wife and 2 kids.  She was taken with this man. He was a man, she was a girl.  She met him where she worked, everyday she would see him, they barely spoke, she was shy and knew he was off-limits.

She stops working, moves away, thinking she’s grown, to only learn that she’s lived a very sheltered and entitled life. Moves to a place so unkind and tragic that she cries to come back home. 

So time passes, during this time she has pressed every limit and boundary. With the help of a couple rough relationships, one being very abusive, finally maturing she woke up from the fog she was living under with a baby.  Also during this time, this man had been going through a pretty tiring and trying separation.

Back to her… She had a baby, no job and lived with her parents.  Winner?  She followed the help wanted signs, even bagged an interview in the local porn shop, she was gonna take the job for as bad as she needed the money.  She receives a phone call, the place she used to work had new owners and heard she was a great employee, and wanted to know is she was in need of a job. Who her? Why YES!

Now she had a job, baby daddy in jail, and lived with her parents.  Getting better?  She meets this man again, infatuated with this man, still off-limits in her mind, he was married, she kept her distance.

Slowly they started chatting, both learning about the other, the hard times they were going through.  Separation, and newly single parenting.  Found out both their exes lived on the same road two houses apart (when her’s wasn’t in jail).

They were becoming friends. Nothing more.

She drove a busted ford escort, got it after she wrecked her nice car in a ditch, but it got her to point A and mostly to B.  She was working, he was there. Someone walked in and said “your brake light is stuck on”. Not completely understanding why but her first impulse was to look at this man, as he did work on cars, she had found out through their talks. “hey car guy, could you help me?” were her words. He casually nodded.

They walked out together, first time alone, it was dark so the light grew brighter as they walked toward her car.  He fixed the light, with his head by the pedals, she thought, why is the man being so nice? They never are this nice, at least to me. She felt grateful and strangely special in this moment. Then she asked “what do I owe you?” He replied “how about a game of pool?”