When you are exposed to death young or with an immature mind, it shapes you.

Please talk to kids about it. Please, yourself talk to someone about it.

You are still here, and for a reason. God will bring glory out of messes, even if we can not see how.

With all this tragedy lately, it had brought up some answers for me. Why certain things happened, why I felt the ways I did as a kid.

When I was about 14 years old, I had the worst summer of my life.

A girl, a friend of mine who was the exact age and grade, was in a car accident, her and her older boyfriend were driving around and drove off a small bridge into some water and couldn’t get out of the car. That was my first funeral. She lived one street away, my parents did a lot to help them, and I watched their animals when they had to go away for a while. I was in her house pretending like it wasn’t strange.

 

My grandmother passed. She had come to live in our town a couple years now, but was at a point that she needed to move in with us. She lived with us probably close to a year. She was at the hospital when she died. But the only thing I remember from her living with us, was how she would get me in trouble, she liked to look out the window and I was sometimes playing or doing things I should not of been doing. There were two funerals for her, on of them I got to go out of town for with my mom and sister to Arkansas.

A boy I knew and had a crush on died. I knew him from another friend’s church. I would go with her to youth group sometimes and went a week in the beginning of that summer for habitat of humanity.  This boy was a couple years older than I, he was a devoted christian, and a very sweet and special guy. He was found dead in his basement after huffing paint. my fourth funeral, I do remember getting out of school for this one.

 

I do not remember much else. I do not remember being counselled or talked to.

But I can say I think this started my down spiral. This is the summer I started smoking, started hating life, the summer before my first year of high school.

I ruined my high school life. I did not care about anything or anyone. I had a brave face and did not talk to anyone about my feelings. I also had a bad attitude and almost  everyone saw it.  Some still would friend me, not the ones a mom would not want her to be friends with.

Later in the year I learned of some family revelations that I should not of. And although I do not blame anyone for my actions, it lit a spark. The match was already close to the surface, so it could of been something else that could of set it off.

I started to do drugs. I started to date and not care how I was treated or who I was dating as long as I was not alone.  This attitude lasted after school too.

I was very good at hiding the drugs from everyone, my family and real friends.  It was the typical starts with marijuana and leads to more so the span of almost about 10 years.

During this time I did finally start seeing shrinks. And well they prescribe drugs too.  I did thoroughly enjoy the talking.

I do have a happy ending. Finally.

But my point of this is to talk to others. Especially when they are not talking to you.  Pray for people, it is not the least you can do, it is the most.