Warning.. spoiler… God can change your life

Young girls, when your parents or other older people tell you to pick a nice boy. To stay away from the dangerous, trouble boys, however cute they are, listen. If no one has told you this, then I am right now. Also know when you are little, that boy that hit you, that boy that was mean to you, and people said he is just picking on you because he likes you, that is crap, he did not like you, that is why he acted like that, it’s not some sort of  secret crush, it is just a mean little boy. So, when you get older the guy that picks on you, and teases you, that is not a secret crush, that is jerk. Young girls or older girls, and women, I know that there is something strangely attractive about a guy that doesn’t listen to rules, who makes their own, and who does not seem to have a single care in the world. Which makes sense, here’s why  because they do not have a care in the world, that includes you, they like to be chased, but will not do the chasing, they do not listen, that includes to you, they may listen in a conversation, but it will not stick. You may think that they need you; they need help, they need someone to be there for them, they do, they did, but it’s not you. I am sorry to say that they will break your heart. They needed their parents to of been there more for them positively, they need help now, but you cannot shoulder that responsibility the sooner you realize that, the better off you will be, and the less scars you will carry around with you. I have lived this; I have seen a lot of girls and women live this.

I didn’t a have a care in the world, not even about myself, I had been hurt over and over again, by those who said they loved me far too few times, and those who used me way me too often, and by myself I was working full force on my self-destruction. I used others just as they used me. I was damaged and dangerous; everyone should have stayed away from me. I was like one of those guys, only with girls, you will never find a guy who wants to fix you in that state, You will find guys that want to use you and leave you and maybe even join you in that state of mind. Do not get me wrong, there are nice guys out there up to the challenge of letting you heal. I finally found mine, I carried and still carry much baggage due to my challenging past, but you have to already be on the healing side of things, you have to already be living that life that you are trying to make better yourself, no one can do it for you…..
But For me to try to make my life better, it took a major wakeup call, it took more than just me, it took another whole human. It took me waking up one day feeling sick (nauseas) and tired (really tired) and sore, to know that something had changed in me. I had to, I had no choice but to change, I had no choice but to have a reality check, there was and somedays I still feel something is broken deep, deep down inside me. God knows why I started to change, and God knows why it took this to change me. I would have been dead by now. I’m not preaching a baby will save your life, I am telling you, that is my testimony, that God used a baby to change my life. I know far too many people who have children, and nothing has changed in them or their circumstances except they have more mouths to feed.

I took this responsibility serious. It was a sobering moment in my life, and to be honest I hadn’t had many of them, since I was a young teenager.

The day that I realized my life was not my own was on the day I found out I was pregnant. I was on my smoke break, the girls from work pooled together and got me the test. I was so scared to take it, they waited outside the bathroom door and I came out crying. I had tables waiting for their food, checks, and a welcoming greeting and I was too busy balling my eyes out. I learned this day that my life was not for me and in the same moment I knew I had been saved, in more ways than one.

I also knew that it was one of the best days of my life. How ever stuck I felt I also had a freeing feeling. During this time, I got to break free of chains I thought I had been forever tied to. I got to find myself and find God as well. I had been blessed with an angel and not only one to know about, but one to see and feel. It was at this point that I learned I had to grow up put on my big girl panties and get over my pitiful self-destructive life style, and as a plus I finally got the courage to leave my paranoid, controlling, and abusive in all ways boyfriend, but it was not for my sake. That was a lesson I learned the hard way, that just because something can change in me from feeling this miracle and responsibility, did not mean that the other party involved would care or change. Just because I recently found my clarity and sobriety didn’t mean much since, he did not have a baby growing inside him. Since we only really knew each other when we were one way or another influenced or intoxicated and was a disaster and unhealthy relationship to start with, it didn’t last much longer. There is a lot more to that part of the story, but not the important part.

It was so scary and yet exhilarating to have to care for another human being. It was the most eye-opening experience I have ever had just to carry my baby. It was very scary and humbling to have the responsibility of another human being. I wasn’t doing so well when it was just my own life. This baby, my baby saved my life. I know that, God knows that, and I’m pretty sure anyone who knew me, knows that. I was on a fast-spiral slide downwards. This child, some may think that he, wasn’t a child yet (which is another topic, a disturbing one but for another time) saved me and opened my eyes. If I had not become pregnant, I know for certainty nothing would have changed in me, I truly believe God used that special gift to make me aware that He did notice me. I would be dead, in jail, or worse if this hadn’t of happened how and when it did. I had already lost quite a few friends to drugs and alcohol related deaths.

I do not encourage anyone to have a baby to make yourself feel loved. I do not encourage others to have a baby to try to keep their boyfriend or make them change it wouldn’t work anyways. I know many people who did have babies and still lived that life.

It is your heart that must change. Me getting pregnant, that is not what truly saved me it, however, it is what shook me and woke me up, I was aware of the responsibilities that came with a baby. I was aware that I had to get my life together, and I realized that my slow, selfish, self-directed road to Hell had been detoured. I thank God and praise him for it every single day. I not only accepted the responsibility of whatever else was to come with my life, for my sake and for my child’s.  I had known God was around, but I did not let him in. This is when I really, undoubtedly and sincerely accepted God into my heart, once I did that my whole life changed. It is almost like this person I am telling you about isn’t me. That is partly true, this person isn’t me anymore. I am a firm believer that people can change, but only truly when God is the changer, anything other than that is only temporary, for we are not the author of our own lives.


I am in the midst of my second whole 30. I am on day 15. I really love it and hate it at the same time. Mostly love it, until I get hungry and then the list of all the things I cannot eat comes to mind. But luckily  my go to snack is an apple and handful of pecans.

When I started this, I was like Ok I feel like I should do this, I was letting myself get out of control again, I was back to where I started before I did whole 30 the first time. My main idea was to have a healthy weight.

God put something on my heart. I have been praying and doing a Bible study called Experiencing God (amazing by the way), but I have been praying to hear God through my life. So when I started this, I felt the challenge or command to cut some more things out of my life. Facebook, Fitbit, and amazon shopping and video. To be transparent I still do have Hulu. So with all of these I am on day 15.



But what I am learning is that these things I am trying to avoid and cut out, are the reason I cannot hear God. These are my daily distractions.

These last 15 days I have been doing my Bible study, a lot more reading and enjoying it more, not so distracted. I have drawn and colored pictures which I enjoy. I have written more even if it is only 2 blog posts. But I feel better. I am actually feeling like God is creating me into a new person inside and out.

What I am learning also is that self control goes much further than what you eat and getting up to exercise and even more than making time to study the Bible. I am learning the hard way self control also has to do with other people and loved ones and boundaries. Also reading a great book called Boundaries.


Self control is not only how you act towards others it is also how you let other’s treat you, I did not know until recently that I could control that. But I am learning…, this like all things in my life, I had to learn the hard way.  I have this inner guilt voice, that is not God’s voice but that until recently had rang louder and more persistent in my head, it said that I could not say no, it said that my feelings to enjoy things, family, and time with myself were selfish…. Yes to enjoy.. was selfish… that is twisted. Learning to say no is hard for me. I think the next book I will read will be The Best Yes. I have it, but never had the time to read it before.


“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” Galatians 5:22-23

“But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”  2 Peter 1:5-11

Life can change for the better, even if we are scared.

My last post was my testimony.  .(I reposted it so it comes after this one now not before).  I have had it written for some time. I was scared to share it, but then my oldest bonus son, (step-son) shared his with me, I felt selfish to keep it my self.  I am thankful that he found God at an early age and his trials, that pushed him towards God, and that were significant to him and changed everyone’s lives around him, his parents divorce, their remarriages and added siblings to his life, also led me into his life. I am grateful that  led him to come closer to God. Me emerging into a premade family also led me closer to God. I had a relationship with God, but when God placed more people and children for me to be responsible for, I only clung closer to Him, I alone am still not capable of that responsibility, If anyone has gotten to know me through life or this blog they would not find me adequate to raise anyone including myself without God (Lord knows I already tried that, and failed).

My testimony is about my baby changing my life. I have very strong feelings about abortion. If I would of had an abortion, my life would never of changed. However scared and unprepared I was to live my choices I made those choices, and I knew that it was God who was changing my life for the better.

For women who are scared, who are in bad relationships to start with, or a baby was not it their plans, that baby is in God’s plans. That baby will not be an anchor to lock you into an unhealthy relationship, it may be the one thing that will you courage to finally leave it (as in my case). If you are in a place that you can not or will not consider changing your life or raising that child, please consider adoption, their are many people who will love that child, that for their own circumstances can not have one of their own or do not have enough of their own.  There are places to get support, look for a local church,pregnancy clinic, they will walk you through each step and process and give you all your options, but their and my prayer is to help bring that child to a life outside the womb.


Know Yourself

A little thing on facebook said “What two words would you give your younger self?”

Know yourself! would be mine, and of course my hard headed cynical younger self, would of said “I do”.

Not by a long shot kid…..


Caffeine Is A Gateway Drug!

People only talk about marijuana, as a gateway drug.

There are uppers and downers.  People who want to feel numb. People who want to feel calm. People who want to be energized. People who do not want to feel pain (both mental and physically).

People have all these feelings naturally. But they can not quite hold on to them. They  want the feeling to last. Or they do not want the feelings they have, they want to feel nothing.

Caffeine is not talked about as much as it should be. They sell it legally. You can buy it anywhere. They have concentrated caffeine in pill and liquid forms. They sell “energy” drinks, which should be called sugar crash. They keep you awake for a little while. They will get you through the work day, they will keep you up late to finish your homework.  But then you go to bed for 3 hours and your tired, so you get another one, and this process repeats.

Until it doesn’t.

Kids drink sodas, that’s not what I am talking about here.

I am talking about teenagers who drink 5 hour energy drinks, kids who use caffeine pills to help them concentrate and do school work. They think this admirable, they are trying their best to do everything asked of them. But they are running on empty!!! If you see this, this is a red flag. I am trying to give you a wake up call.

If this is your kid.

Next possibilities:

Physical crash from lack of adequate rest

Falling behind in everyday things if they do not get that “fix”

Napping frequently every time they sit down

Caffeine overdose (physically ill)

“Borrowing” medicine from siblings or friends (ADD/ADHD medicine works just the same if it is not medically needed)

SPEED / Cocaine (illegal drugs) that are much stronger than concentrated caffeine

Now tell me I am over reacting. This is far fetched. Tell me again. Not your kid!

Not to make this about me. But I was this kid, and I knew many of them during my teenage years.

Yes caffeine is a gateway drug, I know first hand.





Unconformity Conformity

Yes this title could be counteractive or contradictory, but that is the point. Unconformity is the inability to conform. Conformity is compliance with standards, rules or laws.

Now, I know a joke that has to be explained is not a very good one. The same may be said for a  snarky title.

Point….  This world makes it out like it’s a good thing, to be unconformable. To never settle, to never agree with others who came before you. To have your own opinions and your own thoughts and to never to accept someone else’s as their own.  Yes this is all well and good. Individuals. We are that. But the humor I find is that with everyone trying to be their own person and to have their own ways, well they are becoming more alike, and less extraordinary.

I am a Christian, I believe that God made us all unique. I believe that we all have our own purpose and gift. I believe that we are all here to Love each other, and to Love and Honor God.

Me, personally I do not really care for people. Shocker and hypocritical, I am aware. I am a hypocrite everyday. I am a homeschooling mom, and everyday I tell my kids to better than I am. I tell them to go to bed early, I don’t. I tell them to not yell, I do. I tell them to respect and talk nice to each other, I fail. I am hurtfully and completely aware of my failings. I tell them to put God first, to not be selfish, to think of others, when so often I do not.  Now I can say me personally, that many times when I say this and when I write this down, this is my mirror for myself. Black and white on paper or screen, my sign to change. Now back to everyone else. just proving my humanity and flaws.

There are so many hypocrites in the world. A lot of them being Christians.


When we call for change and peace and prosperity. Are we accountable as well, or is this something that we demand and expect on a silver platter gently handed to us. Do we get to sit back, and wait… and wait….  and wait….  while yelling or quietly, judging and pointing fingers?

People get upset at injustice, which there is plenty of, but do we do anything about it? We yell, riot, and make more people mad about the same cause, and expect results.

Sorry nothing is going to change!

If you want to fix something you are passionate about follow the good. Follow the helpers follow the one’s you respect. Do not follow and aggravate the already aggravated. Following the hate will not lead anywhere good. Hate will not bring change.

Following the one’s you admire, will bring yourself peace, wisdom, courage and maybe a light to this darkened world.

If you  don’t like cops in your area, feel they treat people unfair. What if you took a step to work with them from the inside. If you feel like the problem is in front of you, stand up, but do not do it from hate. Do not stand up for hatred of people, stand up for the one’s you love.

If you feel that politics are crooked, take time to read more, from all sides. If you are passionate follow the one’s you respect. But yelling and screaming at the one’s you hate will not get anywhere.

If you do not like what the schools are teaching or feel that they may be unsafe, school your own children. Not because you hate others but because you love them.

Be the light. Be positive. Be the spark. The spark may light a flint, but be careful what is under the flint, what is going to burn, love or hate?

We have enough hatred in the sin fallen world. We will learn so much more if we try to respect each other.  If we study history and investigate or ask questions of why people have their opinions, we will learn, even if we still disagree, we will have better foundation for it.



You are drowning. Not quickly. You are slowly sinking, how far down are you?

Are you at your ankles, your feet just being covered almost like when you sit at the beach and cover the top of your foot with sand? This sand though is not soft and grainy, this sand is like mud and heavy like when you are at the edge of the ocean and sink your feet in when the waves sweep up to the shore. Where it takes some effort to get your feet back out of it.

Effort is key.

Are you waist deep in the quicksand? Like you are pulling a whole other person with you when you try to walk forward? Or like you are pushing a car with a dead battery out of the road with it in neutral?

Now what is even more tricky is if the quicksand is up to your shoulders, almost up your neck. Where the only free thing is your head, It holds your brain, your eyes, ears and nose. Your shoulders feel heavy, you turn your whole body to turn your head, you are moving so slow that everyone else seems like they are fast-warded.

Even if you feel stuck to the point that only your eyes and top of your head are out. Well you are still in luck your brain is fitting for air for you.

This quicksand is not quick, why that name I do not know.

Now from what I remember about quicksand, you can not struggle, you can not wiggle, you can not crawl out of it. You have to pulled out of it quickly. You can not sit there and take your time to think about it, most of all you can not give up.

I am using quicksand as a description of life.

When you feel stuck, and like you are sinking…… or that life is overwhelming and you can see no change in your future. If you ever feel like you should just make yourself comfortable in this quicksand life. Please do not. Please do not feel like slowly drowning is the way your going to get out of this life.  Yes it will work, yes it will happen, if you do not TRY.

Crawling before walking, walking before running, stepping before jumping. These are the steps we watch our young children follow. But as adults we have to follow them too.

Now I know I said you can not get out of quicksand by all these things, that you have to be lifted out of the quicksand. You lift yourself out of the quicksand with your mind, with your heart, with your soul, with your longing to live for the others who love you, even if not for yourself. But the only you will stay out of that quicksand and not slide back is to have God pull you out. Now God can give the rope to get out, and he will pull, but you have to put your arms up and grab it without letting go.

I was in quicksand, I was almost comfortable with it, but this little nagging voice, the tired heart and body that couldn’t keep up with my kids. I am freshly out of it.

So, I wanted to share that you are not stuck unless you choose to be.

Grab the rope!!!!!!!!!!!

Who are you?

First you are a child of God!

If you do not know who you are, you are letting other people tell you who you are. You are letting others define and sculpt and make you into who they want you to be.

This is not always done consciously.

I recently have decided that I am trying to learn who I am. Call it a mid-life crisis, hope this not my mid life point, but however it is my crisis of self.

Back story, I was in a really bad relationship got pregnant.  Further back story, I never loved myself or planned a future for myself.

So then I had to plan a future not just for me, but for this baby. So I turn to God!! He saves me and places people in my life to love and support me. He gives me the courage to leave my ugly abusive relationship.

I find myself in a new relationship with an awesome man who not only loves me but my son as well. So grateful!

I hated who I used to be, so I threw it all away, threw it all down the drain, every little bit of who I used to be. Every little bit!

So these new people, things and jobs defined me. I was completely starting over. Every compliment I got I grew with that, also every insult or criticism I shrunk with that.

Fast forward nine years with a new addition (little girl). It brings me to terms with the challenges of my past. I helps me remember who I was is still part of who I am.

God is helping me remember things I used to like about myself. He is helping me like Myself! He helping me become someone to like.

I let myself go for years, I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve all the blessings I had received in spite of the life I used to live. I made myself miserable.

I had and have everything I could possibly want to make happy and content and loving. But I was missing the key aspect, loving myself.

How can I give love when I am empty? I have people who love me, but I am still torturing myself from past, I still have not forgiven myself.

So when I got married I threw all I was out the window to be become a completely brand new me. Trying to shape myself into some who could be loved.  But I forgot to bring me.

My husband is a saint for keeping me and loving me with all my self struggles. He has always said that I was a diamond in rough. He would see the glimmers of love I had through my growth of tough skin, he could see the sparkle in my sarcastic smile, he could see the warmth of my cold heart.

Now I can finally see those things too. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to love me before I could. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to believe in me before I could.

He has helped me crack this shell, polish the charcoal of my heart and soul. He has helped me love myself enough to be able to have the drive and passion to love and hope to help others love themselves.

But also I am remembering that who I used to be was not all bad, I have always been a child of God, I just may not of always known it. I am not my past or mistakes, but I will keep them to learn from them and I will share them for others to learn from. I will not hide from them anymore.

Like it or not!.! 😉

For Your Sake

Who are you to tell me how to live my life?

Who cares if you have good intentions?

I just started being healthy. Almost 35.

It’s like when you find Jesus and you want everyone else to know, so they can get to heaven with you.  I want my friends and family to be healthy with me. They would get so much more out of life.

I can see better now. (yes yes I see clearly now that the rain is gone) but more because the sugar and excess weight is gone.

It is like I have this magic eight ball. I can see why so and so is having trouble sleeping. Or why so and so is having what I would call sugar tantrums, or anxiety, depression.

I have struggled with all of these.

To be completely honest, I still do if I get off the exercising and eating right band wagon, which I do fall off occasionally, but now that I have seen the greener grass, I will climb barb wire to get back on.

The first time I ever felt like running. It wasn’t because I wanted to be healthy, or have a better body. It was because I was so pissed off at my situation and the fact that I could not do ANYTHING about it. I wanted to run I wanted to fly away. So I ran as fast and hard as I could, granted it was less than an eighth of a mile but it opened up something inside of me. No not my lungs they felt like they were going to burst. I was crumpled over on the road crying. To tell you the truth I did not feel any better that day, but the truth is I didn’t have any more energy to feel worse.

This was probably almost 3 years ago.  I have gone up and down the scale rollacoaster more times then I’d like to admit. Partly due to having a baby. But also I forget how good I feel when I let myself feel bad, and the why bother when I hit the weight platoe.

I can tell a major difference in myself when I get up and run or walk or do a yoga video versus when I wake up and do nothing. I am testy, aggravated to boot. When I get up and exercise and wipe myself out. I do not have the energy for the negative. I do not rent it space.  Plus I feel accomplished already.

Being a grown up now. I can look back and see that I never had any self esteem, never cared never thought that that could change. But it has. I like myself finally and I want to take of myself. I want this to shine through to my children, so that they can have these values and self esteem and self control and self discipline that I wish I could of had earlier on.

How do terrible things start?

When you are exposed to death young or with an immature mind, it shapes you.

Please talk to kids about it. Please, yourself talk to someone about it.

You are still here, and for a reason. God will bring glory out of messes, even if we can not see how.

With all this tragedy lately, it had brought up some answers for me. Why certain things happened, why I felt the ways I did as a kid.

When I was about 14 years old, I had the worst summer of my life.

A girl, a friend of mine who was the exact age and grade, was in a car accident, her and her older boyfriend were driving around and drove off a small bridge into some water and couldn’t get out of the car. That was my first funeral. She lived one street away, my parents did a lot to help them, and I watched their animals when they had to go away for a while. I was in her house pretending like it wasn’t strange.


My grandmother passed. She had come to live in our town a couple years now, but was at a point that she needed to move in with us. She lived with us probably close to a year. She was at the hospital when she died. But the only thing I remember from her living with us, was how she would get me in trouble, she liked to look out the window and I was sometimes playing or doing things I should not of been doing. There were two funerals for her, on of them I got to go out of town for with my mom and sister to Arkansas.

A boy I knew and had a crush on died. I knew him from another friend’s church. I would go with her to youth group sometimes and went a week in the beginning of that summer for habitat of humanity.  This boy was a couple years older than I, he was a devoted christian, and a very sweet and special guy. He was found dead in his basement after huffing paint. my fourth funeral, I do remember getting out of school for this one.


I do not remember much else. I do not remember being counselled or talked to.

But I can say I think this started my down spiral. This is the summer I started smoking, started hating life, the summer before my first year of high school.

I ruined my high school life. I did not care about anything or anyone. I had a brave face and did not talk to anyone about my feelings. I also had a bad attitude and almost  everyone saw it.  Some still would friend me, not the ones a mom would not want her to be friends with.

Later in the year I learned of some family revelations that I should not of. And although I do not blame anyone for my actions, it lit a spark. The match was already close to the surface, so it could of been something else that could of set it off.

I started to do drugs. I started to date and not care how I was treated or who I was dating as long as I was not alone.  This attitude lasted after school too.

I was very good at hiding the drugs from everyone, my family and real friends.  It was the typical starts with marijuana and leads to more so the span of almost about 10 years.

During this time I did finally start seeing shrinks. And well they prescribe drugs too.  I did thoroughly enjoy the talking.

I do have a happy ending. Finally.

But my point of this is to talk to others. Especially when they are not talking to you.  Pray for people, it is not the least you can do, it is the most.