Who are you?

First you are a child of God!

If you do not know who you are, you are letting other people tell you who you are. You are letting others define and sculpt and make you into who they want you to be.

This is not always done consciously.

I recently have decided that I am trying to learn who I am. Call it a mid-life crisis, hope this not my mid life point, but however it is my crisis of self.

Back story, I was in a really bad relationship got pregnant.  Further back story, I never loved myself or planned a future for myself.

So then I had to plan a future not just for me, but for this baby. So I turn to God!! He saves me and places people in my life to love and support me. He gives me the courage to leave my ugly abusive relationship.

I find myself in a new relationship with an awesome man who not only loves me but my son as well. So grateful!

I hated who I used to be, so I threw it all away, threw it all down the drain, every little bit of who I used to be. Every little bit!

So these new people, things and jobs defined me. I was completely starting over. Every compliment I got I grew with that, also every insult or criticism I shrunk with that.

Fast forward nine years with a new addition (little girl). It brings me to terms with the challenges of my past. I helps me remember who I was is still part of who I am.

God is helping me remember things I used to like about myself. He is helping me like Myself! He helping me become someone to like.

I let myself go for years, I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve all the blessings I had received in spite of the life I used to live. I made myself miserable.

I had and have everything I could possibly want to make happy and content and loving. But I was missing the key aspect, loving myself.

How can I give love when I am empty? I have people who love me, but I am still torturing myself from past, I still have not forgiven myself.

So when I got married I threw all I was out the window to be become a completely brand new me. Trying to shape myself into some who could be loved.  But I forgot to bring me.

My husband is a saint for keeping me and loving me with all my self struggles. He has always said that I was a diamond in rough. He would see the glimmers of love I had through my growth of tough skin, he could see the sparkle in my sarcastic smile, he could see the warmth of my cold heart.

Now I can finally see those things too. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to love me before I could. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to believe in me before I could.

He has helped me crack this shell, polish the charcoal of my heart and soul. He has helped me love myself enough to be able to have the drive and passion to love and hope to help others love themselves.

But also I am remembering that who I used to be was not all bad, I have always been a child of God, I just may not of always known it. I am not my past or mistakes, but I will keep them to learn from them and I will share them for others to learn from. I will not hide from them anymore.

Like it or not!.! 😉

For Your Sake

Who are you to tell me how to live my life?

Who cares if you have good intentions?

I just started being healthy. Almost 35.

It’s like when you find Jesus and you want everyone else to know, so they can get to heaven with you.  I want my friends and family to be healthy with me. They would get so much more out of life.

I can see better now. (yes yes I see clearly now that the rain is gone) but more because the sugar and excess weight is gone.

It is like I have this magic eight ball. I can see why so and so is having trouble sleeping. Or why so and so is having what I would call sugar tantrums, or anxiety, depression.

I have struggled with all of these.

To be completely honest, I still do if I get off the exercising and eating right band wagon, which I do fall off occasionally, but now that I have seen the greener grass, I will climb barb wire to get back on.

The first time I ever felt like running. It wasn’t because I wanted to be healthy, or have a better body. It was because I was so pissed off at my situation and the fact that I could not do ANYTHING about it. I wanted to run I wanted to fly away. So I ran as fast and hard as I could, granted it was less than an eighth of a mile but it opened up something inside of me. No not my lungs they felt like they were going to burst. I was crumpled over on the road crying. To tell you the truth I did not feel any better that day, but the truth is I didn’t have any more energy to feel worse.

This was probably almost 3 years ago.  I have gone up and down the scale rollacoaster more times then I’d like to admit. Partly due to having a baby. But also I forget how good I feel when I let myself feel bad, and the why bother when I hit the weight platoe.

I can tell a major difference in myself when I get up and run or walk or do a yoga video versus when I wake up and do nothing. I am testy, aggravated to boot. When I get up and exercise and wipe myself out. I do not have the energy for the negative. I do not rent it space.  Plus I feel accomplished already.

Being a grown up now. I can look back and see that I never had any self esteem, never cared never thought that that could change. But it has. I like myself finally and I want to take of myself. I want this to shine through to my children, so that they can have these values and self esteem and self control and self discipline that I wish I could of had earlier on.

How do terrible things start?

When you are exposed to death young or with an immature mind, it shapes you.

Please talk to kids about it. Please, yourself talk to someone about it.

You are still here, and for a reason. God will bring glory out of messes, even if we can not see how.

With all this tragedy lately, it had brought up some answers for me. Why certain things happened, why I felt the ways I did as a kid.

When I was about 14 years old, I had the worst summer of my life.

A girl, a friend of mine who was the exact age and grade, was in a car accident, her and her older boyfriend were driving around and drove off a small bridge into some water and couldn’t get out of the car. That was my first funeral. She lived one street away, my parents did a lot to help them, and I watched their animals when they had to go away for a while. I was in her house pretending like it wasn’t strange.

 

My grandmother passed. She had come to live in our town a couple years now, but was at a point that she needed to move in with us. She lived with us probably close to a year. She was at the hospital when she died. But the only thing I remember from her living with us, was how she would get me in trouble, she liked to look out the window and I was sometimes playing or doing things I should not of been doing. There were two funerals for her, on of them I got to go out of town for with my mom and sister to Arkansas.

A boy I knew and had a crush on died. I knew him from another friend’s church. I would go with her to youth group sometimes and went a week in the beginning of that summer for habitat of humanity.  This boy was a couple years older than I, he was a devoted christian, and a very sweet and special guy. He was found dead in his basement after huffing paint. my fourth funeral, I do remember getting out of school for this one.

 

I do not remember much else. I do not remember being counselled or talked to.

But I can say I think this started my down spiral. This is the summer I started smoking, started hating life, the summer before my first year of high school.

I ruined my high school life. I did not care about anything or anyone. I had a brave face and did not talk to anyone about my feelings. I also had a bad attitude and almost  everyone saw it.  Some still would friend me, not the ones a mom would not want her to be friends with.

Later in the year I learned of some family revelations that I should not of. And although I do not blame anyone for my actions, it lit a spark. The match was already close to the surface, so it could of been something else that could of set it off.

I started to do drugs. I started to date and not care how I was treated or who I was dating as long as I was not alone.  This attitude lasted after school too.

I was very good at hiding the drugs from everyone, my family and real friends.  It was the typical starts with marijuana and leads to more so the span of almost about 10 years.

During this time I did finally start seeing shrinks. And well they prescribe drugs too.  I did thoroughly enjoy the talking.

I do have a happy ending. Finally.

But my point of this is to talk to others. Especially when they are not talking to you.  Pray for people, it is not the least you can do, it is the most.

What people think of you is none of your business.

A country song I like has a verse that says, “if your minding your own business, you won’t be minding mine.”

That may be harsh. But is that not true? We spend so much time looking at other people’s lives, often so we don’t have to look at our own.

When you make your life so busy that you don’t have to notice the things you don’t like. Many people join extra activities for their children just to avoid going home.  A lot of them I know to be military spouses, and I can only assume that it passes time quicker when the family stays busy while their spouse is deployed. And I don’t find anything wrong with that.

My issue is when we can’t look in the mirror but can look around with a magnifying glass at everyone else. Trying to help and solve other people’s problems to only avoid our own, that is a problem.

Recently, I have made my life insanely busy, to only find out that I was too busy, to do my job. My job to be a mother, wife and daughter of Christ. So that I neglected all of these duties, just to partially aid others, or just to join in groups where all I got out of it, was to go home feeler smaller. I would compare myself to others, try to do more to fit in, try to change my way of doing things, so that I could fit in.  And let me tell you, I am not in high school, I have children in high school. No… You mean peer pressure, and insecurities hit when you are an adult. YES! Shocking I know. No.. it’s not shocking at all.

But my point of this is to tell you, the way other people feel about you, IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. What goes on in other people’s minds is none of our business, even if people say things out loud, it is none of our business.  Even people who mean well with unsolicited advice.

This is hard to grasp. I have heard this before and never fully understood it. But finally I do. I repeatedly have to learn things the hard way, this was another lesson.

The only people we should please is God of course, but our immediate family, our spouses, and children have to come first. Also you have to do things for your self, when you feel good it is easy to make others feel good. But if you are unhappy it is hard to make others happy.

 

Why does the truth offend people?

Most of the time you avoid hearing the truth by simply not asking the question. “Well you asked” is the general response, when you hear something you really didn’t want to. Most of the time, we as selfish, self centered individuals ask the questions, not to hear the truth but, to make ourselves feel better.

Is this what is also happening to our history books. Well if no one asks the hard questions, we can just rewrite what happened. Instead of asking why, people are just hearing what and basing their own conclusions, instead of learning the facts.  Yes some horrible things in history has happened, and oh boy there are plenty more to come. But for us to tare statues down, does not make those things disappear, just less people to ask the why questions. Now when people stop remembering and stop being upset by past things, we dumb humans let them happen all over again. (Yes I am purposing trying to offend everyone).

Just to clarify, destroying inanimate objects does not change anything. Just makes people look like crazy idiots who are lacking attention, that they should be getting else where.

If you really want to change something, change you! The only thing we can change is ourselves. If you don’t like how something in the past happened, control how you react or make a cause to have it not happen again.

But to fight racism, by using racism, is the stupidest thing imaginable. To tare down pieces of history is deplorably insane. Good or bad history, it is history.  Also, even better it is “HIS- story”.

How are we to know how far we’ve come when we don’t know where we came from?

Now a lot of issues and things I think are going backwards. A LOT! but I will act like a decent human being and not criticize or demean you or your loved ones. If you completely disagree with me, that is fine, but please don’t tear me down physically, just mentally will be sufficient.

Thank you for letting me rant.

 

Glory

Waiting. Waiting for something to come in my head. Clear the clutter of my thoughts.

And look around and see what I have sought.

My life has started to come and stick together.

How grateful I am to know that it is true in any weather.

When life gets hard and you feel as if you failing

Do not stop, run faster and make like your arms are flailing

You can either fall in the despair of the hole underneath you

Or be lifted above it by the One who beseeches for you

Please have strength with enough to share, please take the time to care

for others around you, this life is so short when compared to forever

Look up and around you to see the marvels and to see just how clever

the Creator of this world is, and just how special we all are.

Take nothing to personal, each person has scars, and you know the truth is never to far

which is usually not from a person, but always from the good book

Any time their is quiet, to find peace, all it will take is one look

You chose your life, you chose your destiny, please have your eyes wide open

even the hardest people have been known to soften

there is never a, too late, there is always another chance but do not waste too much time

for when this life is over the punishment will surely fit the crime

there are no excuses or reasoning at the end of the line, only what you lived out

So hear me tell you, Jesus is Lord, all my days I will shout

please don’t live selfishly, please give yourself to others,

for the truth of the matter, is that we all are sisters and brothers.

 

 

 

Live Like You Are Dying

What does this even mean? Well to me it is the stupidest most senseless thing you could say or tell anyone. Even if you are, do you really want to rush it?

What this also means is live your life like you are constant vacation. Which I have done for many years. Eat every meal like it is thanksgiving. Or better yet like it’s your last.

How stupid. Oh wait you’ve always wanted to jump out of a plane, well go do it! Which I have, very exhilarating. But how stupid! But I would do it again.

I am so fed up with this analogy that lets everyone do anything they want, without having to think of the consequences, what, why? because they are going to die anyway. Well news flash we all are going to. Does that mean you are in hurry to get there. Being a Christian I am kinda sorta am in a hurry. But not really I have kids and a great husband. I want to spend every second I can with them. So why did I wait until I was over thirty to finally take care of myself? Because I didn’t care before. I was enjoying every moment recklessly and really not enjoying much of it at all.

I think you should live like you want to live forever, that way your bodies can handle it. I am not saying, no fun, but I am saying, would you want someone you love to do that? Think about your life that way. Would you want a loved one to live the way you are?

I am recently battling a huge parent fail, that I have created myself. My son who is almost nine detests fruits and vegetables. He will eat corn on the cob, he eats spaghetti with the hidden veggies and drinks orange juice. These are about the extent of it. He has always been really active so I haven’t seen any physical side effects. He is still healthy looking, but has become less active, also another parent fail.

But recently I have been trying to take my health back. and i can’t get him on the bandwagon.  I need help………….

And just for the record I do like this country song.