How people come together. Part 2

They meet at the local dive bar after she gets off work.  They play pool, he finds out she’s actually pretty good, he lets her win a couple times, at least claims he did.

They talk and laugh. She keeps throwing money in jukebox. She dances while she walks and sings, with the look of no worries. She is relaxed, and she can not remember the last time she had this feeling.

They travel outside, away from the crowd and smoke. They looked at the moon, and they can still hear the music. They dance.. This is not a dance club nor with room or people that dance. There is a pergola with a bench and an ashtray. But they don’t notice the setting or passersby. They dance to a slow song, and then another, and another which feels like a minute and a million years all at the same time. In this moment they did not feel as strangers, they felt like they fit together, they felt like the place, the music, the whole setting, was made just for them.

This was the first date. This was the perfect one.

How people come together. Part 1

So here I am writing about things over my head and things that I do not fully understand. Well maybe just this one thing.

Once upon time there was a girl, she was old enough to be an adult but she did not have any of the maturity of one. So she was a girl.

The first time they met she had a boyfriend, she didn’t have any kids. He had a wife and 2 kids.  She was taken with this man. He was a man, she was a girl.  She met him where she worked, everyday she would see him, they barely spoke, she was shy and knew he was off-limits.

She stops working, moves away, thinking she’s grown, to only learn that she’s lived a very sheltered and entitled life. Moves to a place so unkind and tragic that she cries to come back home. 

So time passes, during this time she has pressed every limit and boundary. With the help of a couple rough relationships, one being very abusive, finally maturing she woke up from the fog she was living under with a baby.  Also during this time, this man had been going through a pretty tiring and trying separation.

Back to her… She had a baby, no job and lived with her parents.  Winner?  She followed the help wanted signs, even bagged an interview in the local porn shop, she was gonna take the job for as bad as she needed the money.  She receives a phone call, the place she used to work had new owners and heard she was a great employee, and wanted to know is she was in need of a job. Who her? Why YES!

Now she had a job, baby daddy in jail, and lived with her parents.  Getting better?  She meets this man again, infatuated with this man, still off-limits in her mind, he was married, she kept her distance.

Slowly they started chatting, both learning about the other, the hard times they were going through.  Separation, and newly single parenting.  Found out both their exes lived on the same road two houses apart (when her’s wasn’t in jail).

They were becoming friends. Nothing more.

She drove a busted ford escort, got it after she wrecked her nice car in a ditch, but it got her to point A and mostly to B.  She was working, he was there. Someone walked in and said “your brake light is stuck on”. Not completely understanding why but her first impulse was to look at this man, as he did work on cars, she had found out through their talks. “hey car guy, could you help me?” were her words. He casually nodded.

They walked out together, first time alone, it was dark so the light grew brighter as they walked toward her car.  He fixed the light, with his head by the pedals, she thought, why is the man being so nice? They never are this nice, at least to me. She felt grateful and strangely special in this moment. Then she asked “what do I owe you?” He replied “how about a game of pool?”

 

Why

God’s grace is sufficient. Mine is lacking.

I wonder so often why do I want to write? Why do I feel compelled to share my thoughts, or even better why anyone would read them? I am a private person, I am very careful to what I share on facebook and the internet. But yet I start a blog.  So my only thought is that God is working something great in my life and I am to share the journey.

 

How close are we to becoming a persecuted church?

We as Christians or myself I should say… Hold back in arguments, let this slide or that, just bite our tongues, turn the other cheek, close our eyes to this world- with our hearts in another.

How are we to let others have this faith, drive and passion when they are being tortured and sentenced to death. When we are only minorly inconvenienced by making ourselves feel a little uncomfortable.

How grateful I am to have a president that recognizes the existence of God!

This is my challenge to you and myself. Make it known what you believe in. Make it known what the TRUTH is. Who will defend the truth, when we all hide in shadows shaking our heads and saving Jesus help them. Well that’s me.

I post cute verses on Facebook, or quote Christian songs. But I am too scared to stand  out for a cause. I am afraid I will offend one my so-called “friends”. I am a Jesus following coward. In my heart, I want to follow, my mind wants to follow, but what good is that when my feet are cemented to ground?

I want to take time and pray for our presecuted brothers and sisters, and may I have an inch of their courage.

What if our next president does not believe or accept God’s place? Will it be illegal to worship in the United States. We will become the “intolerant”? We need to be LOUDER! While we still have a right to our beliefs. We can not take them for granted.

Will their be a time when we have to hide in basements? Much stranger things have happened.

I know this may seem far fetched, and I pray it is. I just want us to wake up as a free nation and take advantage of our free speech. I personally need to grow a backbone and stand up for what I know is right, not by my thoughts, but, by God’s word.

Immigration VS. Ethics

If you steal food “to feed your family” is it stealing?  Real question.

If you come to the US illegally to take jobs for money “to feed your family” is that fair?

You can beg and borrow to by food, but you can not outright take what is not yours. Common sense knows  you are breaking the law. You can come to this wonderful country and work hard and achieve success, if you follow the law and come legally.

However when we have US citizens, veterans, and even our teenagers who can not receive jobs, because there are cheaper options, that is not fair to anyone.

We have to teach hard work and follow the rules to our kids for them to be successful at life. Is that not a value and lesson for everyone?

Please leave hate comments below. At least I will know someone has found my site. 😉

Earmuffs

So our kids push their boundaries. We are surprised. Why do they have to  act that way? I know as adults we all push our boundaries. I really blew it this time. Oh no why did I spend so much again… I really shouldn’t eat this, as it is entering your mouth. These are just a few examples.

Defiance, just plain our not listening. Kids do this, and again adults do this too. The doctor tells you, some things you should or should not do, like exercise more and start a type of diet. Your husband says hey can we cut back on holiday spending, well we can all pretend these are just suggestions. Like, hey kids would you mind?… unloading the dishwasher, cleaning up your room.  It is sad but when we say things nicely they are simply taken as suggestions.

Anyhow, more importantly it is essential to listen and act to tasks or jobs that you know God is asking you to do. Now I know that we would all like these to only be suggestions, things that take us out of our comfort zones. But a lot of the times, we are only being set up during the hard times to be able to do the purposeful things that God is asking of us. It is like our training.

Are you meant to write, speak, teach or just reach out to a neighbor or even scarier a stranger. Some times it is even worse if it someone we know. But it is only in our simplistic minds that these things are scary or tough. God has already laid out the path, the ground work, and all we have to do is to step out in faith. Take that first step onto the water with Jesus in faith and see that we will not drown. Now the key is to step in faith, hope, knowing that we will not fail if it is His will.  If we step half heartedly we will fall, but only to get back up and feel this tugging and knowing that we are not doing what we are suppose to be doing. is that not what we all want, to know the purpose of our lives, to feel like we may doing something right, and may actually be good at it, but what’s better and more satisfying is to develop a knowing feeling that it is what are supposed to be doing.

We are all child like. We are all sinners. We were born that way, we are born with evil and defiance in our hearts. We have to strive to be better than that. We have to be intentional on being good. We have to have help. God’s grace is what gets us through hard days and his mercy is what makes our great ones. Jesus says for us to have childlike faith. I take that as to not need to know the “big questions”, to not have life figured out, to just know and believe. When we adults start to get into the questions and answers we can get so overwhelmed that is easy to walk away, to put the good book down. But if we can just read and believe and live like kids do. That may just be the simplest way to find peace and joy in our wonderful, loving God.

I am trying to listen and obey better yet, trust and obey. But this only works with a heart that loves Jesus. I am searching for peace and joy in my loud worldly life. I need to silence to world to be able to hear His word.

 

Authentic

Everyone wants things real, a real designer handbag, name brand clothes, the newest latest veicles and electonics. Material things people want them to be real. Of course no one wants to pay full price.

But what about people?  Do you like authentic people? Real people? People who will tell you the truth, tell you how it is.

Do you like people who are fake? people who will smile in your face and talk crap as soon as you walk away. We all know them. But we probably just do the same thing to them. It is easier to keep peace that way.

Well I, have always prided myself on being real, being blunt, truthful. I wouldn’t pretend to like someone. Why waste that energy?? Really?

Now I am finally seeing that it is too easy to be “real” but it is also hurtful. If you do not like someone what is the harm in not telling them? What is the harm of being polite even to others who are not? The golden rule is drilled into our brains as kids: Treat others how you want to be treated. Well I know I was not the only person to twist that around, others treated me the way they wanted to be treated.

Also what if people have a low self esteem and didn’t think they were good enough to deserve better treatment? Do you think they treat people nicely?

What made me start digging into this topic was being a mom. I have 4 kids all different ages in different seasons of their lives. Me being “authentic” is not a great a thing.

I need to learn how to have  a happy face… I need a constant consistent no matter what is going on happy face. I am a person who is happy or sad or mad and it shows out right which one I am, I show on face, shoulders and actions, but also my words. I always thought this was a good thing no one would have to guess. You would know that those feelings are genuine. I had heard that what glitters isn’t always gold. That people tend to act happier and more put together than they really are. So I did not want to be “fake”.

Now more than anything I want to be fake, fake it til you make it. I want to never have my children see me upset, or sad, and definetely not mad, only 8 years it took me to realize how terrible it is to have a real authentic feeling parent, how dangerous to not have my own feelings under control, how can I expect my kids to know how to handle disappointment and anger when  all I ever show is that it is ok to let those feelings control me, to ask kids to not throw fits, but its ok if I have my own version of a temper tantrum if I burn dinner, or if break a plate. I tell you now I am harder on myself than my kids. I don’t yell about spilled milk, I may grumble under my breath, but when I spill, break, or burn I get upset at myself out loud.

How do you have a constant happy face? I used to hate bubbly people. Now I am desperately trying to become one. I do not have any reasons to be unhappy but I never learned to be constantly happy to shove little tiny worried away where they belong, they do not need to be front and center constantly. That’s how my mind works it brings little nagging things to the front until they don’t seem so little. but I can’t focus on the good things the overwhelming majority of my life.

My life verse for awhile until I believe it… “I have learned the secret of being content no matter what happens.” Phillipians 4:12

Self Esteem

How do you teach this? How can you teach your daughter or sons that they are worth more than this world has to offer.  I pray that I do them justice to know their worth, and that they are loved.

I really wish I had been taught or the little I was taught I wish I would have believed it. I can now look back and see if I had only known that I was worth something, I would have had a completely different life.

It has taken me 30 years to finally feel worth it. To finally know that I am special, to know that I deserve to be happy and treated with respect. To know that my children could face some of the same troubles and temptation and tests in life that I so miserably failed scares me to death.

I didn’t feel pretty, never… Still fight with this one.

I didn’t feel special, I always thought I was ordinary well even less than that.

I suffered deeply with depression for many years. Too scared for suicide I chose the slow long-suffering way. I even made it seem fun, to pump my body full of toxins, and strangers, and take stupid reckless risks hoping I could prove to myself that I was not meant to be….

Yet here I am. 32 finally feeling like life is worth it… That I am worth it.

I use this story as my testimony. My testimony that there are far better things out there. If anyone has any doubts about their own lives or feel ordinary.

Please know that you are not ordinary, you are perfectly and fearfully made by God. This sadness in your soul is not your life story, It is something trying to pull down trying to recruit to bad side, trying to make someone feel unloved is their job. God can not make you go to Him, He has given us free will, that I personally took for granted and free willed myself away from him for 26 years. I am living breathing proof that He is real.

I live in a small town, I have lived in this small town since I was a young child. I have made all of my bad decisions in this same small town. I run into people from my past on a weekly basis. I have to face them, I have to relive all of my poor choices. But what I take away is how blessed I have become. Even I, after all my foolishness, am still loved and forgiven. For these people who I come into contact, that is what I hope they can see. That I am changed for the better, Thanks to God. Nothing I could have done on my own.

Where should I go?

How is this going to go? Should this be a sad traumatic story, should this be a joyous story? All I know is that should be a life changing story. It should be your story!  It can already have horrible times, amazing times, but your life will change for the better.

I do not want to write my own personal story, I have not been through anything that no one else had been through.

There is only one person I know that has been through life as no one else could.

There are people being persecuted, there are people who are being rejected, there are people who are being abused, there are people who are filled with faith, there are people who are believers, there are people who live for the One and only God. The only one with a story like no one else has, or could ever have, is Jesus Christ.

I am not a professional in Bible studies, teacher, or student.

Who am I to write? I have no idea…. But yet here I am writing this. Personally I have always felt that I should write, when I was young I would keep journals and write poems about my trivial problems. I was an unbeliever at that time, no wonder I had so many problems to write notebooks full of teenage, young adult issues. Now that I am a believer, I still have the pull to put words down. I can express my feelings better writing than talking, also that may be because there are delete and backspace keys.

I have always been able to start things, with God’s grace and only if it is His will, I will complete a story. I do not know yet what story will come.

Feelings Are Selfish.

How many times do your feelings get you in trouble?How many times do you act on your feelings?How many relationships suffer due to hurt feelings?

Feelings are insignificant. Feelings are human. Feelings are temptations. Feelings are selfish!

We live in a society overrun by FEELINGS. My Lord help us if we hurt someone’s feelings. We can not even stand up for ourselves for this fear. We let others run us over with buses and then reverse and go forward again before we finally snap, this is a patient example. Or we may cry a lot. We have to sacrifice everything we believe, feel, and know deep down, due to the majority’s feelings. On the other hand we can use our feelings to hurt others.

I know this will not be popular. Feelings are selfish. Either way we look at it.

Lust… Hate… Fear…Pride… Sadness… Happiness…Anger…

Love…….

The only one here that is not a feeling is LOVE. This is an action, a choice. Used as a word it means nothing.