faith

Who are you?

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First you are a child of God!

If you do not know who you are, you are letting other people tell you who you are. You are letting others define and sculpt and make you into who they want you to be.

This is not always done consciously.

I recently have decided that I am trying to learn who I am. Call it a mid-life crisis, hope this not my mid life point, but however it is my crisis of self.

Back story, I was in a really bad relationship got pregnant.  Further back story, I never loved myself or planned a future for myself.

So then I had to plan a future not just for me, but for this baby. So I turn to God!! He saves me and places people in my life to love and support me. He gives me the courage to leave my ugly abusive relationship.

I find myself in a new relationship with an awesome man who not only loves me but my son as well. So grateful!

I hated who I used to be, so I threw it all away, threw it all down the drain, every little bit of who I used to be. Every little bit!

So these new people, things and jobs defined me. I was completely starting over. Every compliment I got I grew with that, also every insult or criticism I shrunk with that.

Fast forward nine years with a new addition (little girl). It brings me to terms with the challenges of my past. I helps me remember who I was is still part of who I am.

God is helping me remember things I used to like about myself. He is helping me like Myself! He helping me become someone to like.

I let myself go for years, I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve all the blessings I had received in spite of the life I used to live. I made myself miserable.

I had and have everything I could possibly want to make happy and content and loving. But I was missing the key aspect, loving myself.

How can I give love when I am empty? I have people who love me, but I am still torturing myself from past, I still have not forgiven myself.

So when I got married I threw all I was out the window to be become a completely brand new me. Trying to shape myself into some who could be loved.  But I forgot to bring me.

My husband is a saint for keeping me and loving me with all my self struggles. He has always said that I was a diamond in rough. He would see the glimmers of love I had through my growth of tough skin, he could see the sparkle in my sarcastic smile, he could see the warmth of my cold heart.

Now I can finally see those things too. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to love me before I could. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to believe in me before I could.

He has helped me crack this shell, polish the charcoal of my heart and soul. He has helped me love myself enough to be able to have the drive and passion to love and hope to help others love themselves.

But also I am remembering that who I used to be was not all bad, I have always been a child of God, I just may not of always known it. I am not my past or mistakes, but I will keep them to learn from them and I will share them for others to learn from. I will not hide from them anymore.

Like it or not!.! 😉

Glory (A work in progress)

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The purpose of your life. The purpose of mine. The purpose of this whole earth and everyone and everything on it, is to bring God glory.

I heard a man speak, Wayne Sneed, he visited our church yesterday, that is what he taught us. Of course I have heard this, in pieces before, but this was the first time I actually heard and swallowed the message.

I spent many years running from God, claiming ignorance, if I don’t know I can’t be held accountable. .  I thought to say yes I know your there, God, I know Jesus is your son and came and died for my sins, and rose again. Ok I know all this , now I am golden. I can repent when I get to far off track, and I’ll be forgiven and start again tomorrow.

I had someone I highly respect tell me, yes these are true facts to be saved, but the devil knows these to. So what makes me different, even me the immature in Christ christian knows that to have the same simple thoughts as satan, is not something I want to do.

So what do you do to make yourself different. Well, time is key, you have to mature slowly (maybe not as slow as me). To feel sorrow when you sin, to know when you are doing it, and for that to feel painful. It finally feels painful, so I know I am growing up in Christ. Yes, I am already an adult, but spiritually I am a young child.

So my advice to you and I, is to read the Bible. To get to know the God we are serving. And to also serve. I also suggest to serve humbly, or you will be humbled.

Last note, If we do everything we can and do not love each other, it is all in vain. Start in your house with love, give it all to them and then when it pours out, spread it out more. But do not give all your love to others and come home empty.  (I am working on this.)

Semi-Gloss

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How are you? Good? That’s great, happy to hear.

How am I? Well I should answer with good. I should answer with great, blessed, and happy beyond measure.

Those are true and correct but yet not quite how I feel.  When people ask you how you are, you mostly answer with gloss, maybe the way you wished you were or maybe how you think you should be.

I have a wonderful family, I have everything I have ever wanted, I have much more than I need. But still I am not satisfied. I feel a longing, I feel like something is missing, like I need more…  More of what? Well I can answer that with my long past of trial of error. I can tell you all the things it is not. It is not more money, it is not more books, it is not more stuff( that is for sure). It is not more children (though they are a blessing).

The answer is more of God! I am a christian, an acting one as well, have been for several years. But yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I know that Jesus saved me and that I have a better place to be, but yet I live like this is where I collect my treasure. I have been living trying to cling and hold my treasures.

New phone, iPad, computer. Bookshelves full, nice car, wonderful kids, hardworking good looking husband. I have these.

Inner peace, complete and utter joy, feeling of fulfillment, love pouring out. These I do not.

Now the hard truth. We gloss over our lives, we are like paint, flat is boring, glossy is too fake, we all want to be semi-gloss. Just the right amount of shine, the shine that is believable even to our selves. We can trick ourselves to think we have it. We know we should, so we act accordingly.

I have no reason to be unhappy, an unhappy christian.? how is that even possible.? It is, it is called a selfish christian, such a thing should not be possible.

Being selfish with God, he created me, he knows what I am to accomplish. But I don”t seem to care, I keep running and trying to take charge of my life, like I hold the reins, like I can really make a difference by myself, without him. No…

I’ve been doing this dance for many years. I have everything I could possible imagine and blessed beyond measure, but yet I still have a hole.

How to make myself Whole and fill the hole. Well this is a start. Rebuking, finding my sin that is keeping me from God. My idols, the things I can hold in my hands and spend more time with them than with the One who gave me life and my children’s’ lives, and all these material possessions.

People are idols too. Having a great day and run into a snag or argument, or even into someone having a bad day. Then all of a sudden even though their day or mood has nothing to do with you, you take it on like, you created it for them. Letting someone control the way you feel, letting them take away a smile, letting them take away your good mood, and replacing it with sourness, that’s the devils work. Don’t do it for him.

I write this out loud, and pray that this will help me heal my issues. I only share this to try to help someone else trying to figure this out for themselves.

There is only one way to fill the hole. That hole was put there for that exact reason, but to often than not we have to fill it with all the things it wasn’t made for before we can find Who it was made for. So please do not be has stubborn or hard headed as I, just let God fill it to start, and save yourself some trouble.

 

Earmuffs

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So our kids push their boundaries. We are surprised. Why do they have to  act that way? I know as adults we all push our boundaries. I really blew it this time. Oh no why did I spend so much again… I really shouldn’t eat this, as it is entering your mouth. These are just a few examples.

Defiance, just plain our not listening. Kids do this, and again adults do this too. The doctor tells you, some things you should or should not do, like exercise more and start a type of diet. Your husband says hey can we cut back on holiday spending, well we can all pretend these are just suggestions. Like, hey kids would you mind?… unloading the dishwasher, cleaning up your room.  It is sad but when we say things nicely they are simply taken as suggestions.

Anyhow, more importantly it is essential to listen and act to tasks or jobs that you know God is asking you to do. Now I know that we would all like these to only be suggestions, things that take us out of our comfort zones. But a lot of the times, we are only being set up during the hard times to be able to do the purposeful things that God is asking of us. It is like our training.

Are you meant to write, speak, teach or just reach out to a neighbor or even scarier a stranger. Some times it is even worse if it someone we know. But it is only in our simplistic minds that these things are scary or tough. God has already laid out the path, the ground work, and all we have to do is to step out in faith. Take that first step onto the water with Jesus in faith and see that we will not drown. Now the key is to step in faith, hope, knowing that we will not fail if it is His will.  If we step half heartedly we will fall, but only to get back up and feel this tugging and knowing that we are not doing what we are suppose to be doing. is that not what we all want, to know the purpose of our lives, to feel like we may doing something right, and may actually be good at it, but what’s better and more satisfying is to develop a knowing feeling that it is what are supposed to be doing.

We are all child like. We are all sinners. We were born that way, we are born with evil and defiance in our hearts. We have to strive to be better than that. We have to be intentional on being good. We have to have help. God’s grace is what gets us through hard days and his mercy is what makes our great ones. Jesus says for us to have childlike faith. I take that as to not need to know the “big questions”, to not have life figured out, to just know and believe. When we adults start to get into the questions and answers we can get so overwhelmed that is easy to walk away, to put the good book down. But if we can just read and believe and live like kids do. That may just be the simplest way to find peace and joy in our wonderful, loving God.

I am trying to listen and obey better yet, trust and obey. But this only works with a heart that loves Jesus. I am searching for peace and joy in my loud worldly life. I need to silence to world to be able to hear His word.

 

So I thought about it…. and I am done!

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Well I am over it. I am done with my negative: self talk and talk of others, self pity and most important I am done with other’s opinions of me. Well not you of course :). I have spent too many sleepless nights and too much time in my head about some things, and not enough time on my positives. I am a true believer that you can only be a good as you let yourself be. If I spend any more time worrying about things or people outside of my immediate family than I am wasting my time, my breath, and most of all I am missing out on precious memories.

So thank you Lord for my blessings, and thank you Lord most of all for my husband and our handsome amazing boys!

I also have to thank the Lord for my obstacles and past road traveled before I was feeling so blessed. This may sound crazy to some, to be thankful for hard times, to be thankful for the storms in our lives might sound crazy. If we can not look through the clouds and see the sun then we are not living right. If you are in a tunnel and can not see the end, that is human, but being able to know that there is an end is having faith. Now knowing you should have faith and saying that you have faith are completely different then living with faith. Living with faith is to live with your eyes wide open and to be open to all possibilities. Just because we have a certain plan or road map for our own lives does mean that everything will go our way. With that being said we need to take these detours with stride and to know that everything will be alright.

Now back to why I am thankful for hard times, for when I was going through my hard times I did not have any faith I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I will only say hard times (those times are for another time) to shorten my story. Then I learned the error of my ways and now I am now a stronger person, I now know that there is a light and that only I can dim it, which would be foolish, but for me stressing and carrying on about some trivial things and people in my life is only dimming my light. I have been worrying myself to almost a destructive point in my life. Like I said at the beginning I am done with that.

I remember I do have faith, I do have trust in GOD that if I am in any situation this very day or month that I will get through it! I will get through it stronger than I was before, now I can not be sure that others will get through it with me. But when it comes to faith and God we know that he knows best and I believe that with all my heart.

So please do not be as I was, do not be foolish to take life for granted and to think that we have precious time to waste on foolish people or objects. Life is too short; however I do look forward to my day with Jesus, but right now in this moment, I look forward to my days with my children and to spend time with people whom I love and that love me too.

James 5:7-10
“Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.”

This is what I needed to hear, to get a straight head on for another week.
Thank you for letting me share…