family

Semi-Gloss

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How are you? Good? That’s great, happy to hear.

How am I? Well I should answer with good. I should answer with great, blessed, and happy beyond measure.

Those are true and correct but yet not quite how I feel.  When people ask you how you are, you mostly answer with gloss, maybe the way you wished you were or maybe how you think you should be.

I have a wonderful family, I have everything I have ever wanted, I have much more than I need. But still I am not satisfied. I feel a longing, I feel like something is missing, like I need more…  More of what? Well I can answer that with my long past of trial of error. I can tell you all the things it is not. It is not more money, it is not more books, it is not more stuff( that is for sure). It is not more children (though they are a blessing).

The answer is more of God! I am a christian, an acting one as well, have been for several years. But yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I know that Jesus saved me and that I have a better place to be, but yet I live like this is where I collect my treasure. I have been living trying to cling and hold my treasures.

New phone, iPad, computer. Bookshelves full, nice car, wonderful kids, hardworking good looking husband. I have these.

Inner peace, complete and utter joy, feeling of fulfillment, love pouring out. These I do not.

Now the hard truth. We gloss over our lives, we are like paint, flat is boring, glossy is too fake, we all want to be semi-gloss. Just the right amount of shine, the shine that is believable even to our selves. We can trick ourselves to think we have it. We know we should, so we act accordingly.

I have no reason to be unhappy, an unhappy christian.? how is that even possible.? It is, it is called a selfish christian, such a thing should not be possible.

Being selfish with God, he created me, he knows what I am to accomplish. But I don”t seem to care, I keep running and trying to take charge of my life, like I hold the reins, like I can really make a difference by myself, without him. No…

I’ve been doing this dance for many years. I have everything I could possible imagine and blessed beyond measure, but yet I still have a hole.

How to make myself Whole and fill the hole. Well this is a start. Rebuking, finding my sin that is keeping me from God. My idols, the things I can hold in my hands and spend more time with them than with the One who gave me life and my children’s’ lives, and all these material possessions.

People are idols too. Having a great day and run into a snag or argument, or even into someone having a bad day. Then all of a sudden even though their day or mood has nothing to do with you, you take it on like, you created it for them. Letting someone control the way you feel, letting them take away a smile, letting them take away your good mood, and replacing it with sourness, that’s the devils work. Don’t do it for him.

I write this out loud, and pray that this will help me heal my issues. I only share this to try to help someone else trying to figure this out for themselves.

There is only one way to fill the hole. That hole was put there for that exact reason, but to often than not we have to fill it with all the things it wasn’t made for before we can find Who it was made for. So please do not be has stubborn or hard headed as I, just let God fill it to start, and save yourself some trouble.

 

So I thought about it…. and I am done!

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Well I am over it. I am done with my negative: self talk and talk of others, self pity and most important I am done with other’s opinions of me. Well not you of course :). I have spent too many sleepless nights and too much time in my head about some things, and not enough time on my positives. I am a true believer that you can only be a good as you let yourself be. If I spend any more time worrying about things or people outside of my immediate family than I am wasting my time, my breath, and most of all I am missing out on precious memories.

So thank you Lord for my blessings, and thank you Lord most of all for my husband and our handsome amazing boys!

I also have to thank the Lord for my obstacles and past road traveled before I was feeling so blessed. This may sound crazy to some, to be thankful for hard times, to be thankful for the storms in our lives might sound crazy. If we can not look through the clouds and see the sun then we are not living right. If you are in a tunnel and can not see the end, that is human, but being able to know that there is an end is having faith. Now knowing you should have faith and saying that you have faith are completely different then living with faith. Living with faith is to live with your eyes wide open and to be open to all possibilities. Just because we have a certain plan or road map for our own lives does mean that everything will go our way. With that being said we need to take these detours with stride and to know that everything will be alright.

Now back to why I am thankful for hard times, for when I was going through my hard times I did not have any faith I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I will only say hard times (those times are for another time) to shorten my story. Then I learned the error of my ways and now I am now a stronger person, I now know that there is a light and that only I can dim it, which would be foolish, but for me stressing and carrying on about some trivial things and people in my life is only dimming my light. I have been worrying myself to almost a destructive point in my life. Like I said at the beginning I am done with that.

I remember I do have faith, I do have trust in GOD that if I am in any situation this very day or month that I will get through it! I will get through it stronger than I was before, now I can not be sure that others will get through it with me. But when it comes to faith and God we know that he knows best and I believe that with all my heart.

So please do not be as I was, do not be foolish to take life for granted and to think that we have precious time to waste on foolish people or objects. Life is too short; however I do look forward to my day with Jesus, but right now in this moment, I look forward to my days with my children and to spend time with people whom I love and that love me too.

James 5:7-10
“Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.”

This is what I needed to hear, to get a straight head on for another week.
Thank you for letting me share…

This is how I feel!

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I like this blog and I love that I can express my feelings and thoughts to the “sphere” as I call the internet. What I really like that I can have a honest opinion. I know that one day I may end up with some actual comments and some of those comments may not agree with me on some of my opinions but never the less I get to have my own opinions and express them. My problem has never been conflict in fact I thrive on it, I love to have to prove my point or in a few cases learn that I am wrong.

However in my real life I am quickly beginning to lose any sense of genuine feelings. I know some people, that have to hear what they want to hear and they have to be able to say what they want to say. I find this fact infuriating. I have never been one to back down (oh no quiet the opposite), but I am learning something about myself and these others as this situation keeps persisting. I am learning about myself that I am not OK with this sort of relationship, and I am also learning that I am not OK with people who are OK with this type of relationship.

I recently gave up Facebook not the first time but I believe the last time. It was not due to the fact that it is addicting and a time warp ( which it is) it was also not due to the fact that I have to deal with selfies and self-absorbed people. It was due to the fact that I am friends with family members who unlike me get to voice opinions.

I deal with others telling me how they think I should act, talk or approach people and even though it hurts I nod and listen to their points, now you might think since I am trying my best to be supportive and polite that they would return the favor and hear me out. Nooooooooooooo. Absolutely not.

Now I am sure that someone can read into this and see that it is taking a lot of creative writing and a lot of beating around the bush to not say what the matter at hand is. Which goes to show that I am still not sure of the amount of privacy, and honestly it is sad that I am afraid to hurt someone’s feelings even though they are continually hurting mine.

I never pimped out my blog, I never linked it, I never really told anyone. Well my husband knows but he couldn’t find it well unless he went on my computer and went into my favorites. HA! So to my few followers thank you. I only do not share my writings because of these facts, and also this is my “Free therapy”. And even though this suppose to be my safe place I can still not bring myself to say what it is that is bothering me.

I have equated my recent behavior to my new but not so new Christian lifestyle. I am trying to do my best and turn the other cheek.. So some may call me weak, sometimes I feel that is what I have been with this situation, but it is only making me a stronger, think before I speak Christian. Also it letting me know how I honestly stand with those who say they love me.