Quicksand

You are drowning. Not quickly. You are slowly sinking, how far down are you?

Are you at your ankles, your feet just being covered almost like when you sit at the beach and cover the top of your foot with sand? This sand though is not soft and grainy, this sand is like mud and heavy like when you are at the edge of the ocean and sink your feet in when the waves sweep up to the shore. Where it takes some effort to get your feet back out of it.

Effort is key.

Are you waist deep in the quicksand? Like you are pulling a whole other person with you when you try to walk forward? Or like you are pushing a car with a dead battery out of the road with it in neutral?

Now what is even more tricky is if the quicksand is up to your shoulders, almost up your neck. Where the only free thing is your head, It holds your brain, your eyes, ears and nose. Your shoulders feel heavy, you turn your whole body to turn your head, you are moving so slow that everyone else seems like they are fast-warded.

Even if you feel stuck to the point that only your eyes and top of your head are out. Well you are still in luck your brain is fitting for air for you.

This quicksand is not quick, why that name I do not know.

Now from what I remember about quicksand, you can not struggle, you can not wiggle, you can not crawl out of it. You have to pulled out of it quickly. You can not sit there and take your time to think about it, most of all you can not give up.

I am using quicksand as a description of life.

When you feel stuck, and like you are sinking…… or that life is overwhelming and you can see no change in your future. If you ever feel like you should just make yourself comfortable in this quicksand life. Please do not. Please do not feel like slowly drowning is the way your going to get out of this life.  Yes it will work, yes it will happen, if you do not TRY.

Crawling before walking, walking before running, stepping before jumping. These are the steps we watch our young children follow. But as adults we have to follow them too.

Now I know I said you can not get out of quicksand by all these things, that you have to be lifted out of the quicksand. You lift yourself out of the quicksand with your mind, with your heart, with your soul, with your longing to live for the others who love you, even if not for yourself. But the only you will stay out of that quicksand and not slide back is to have God pull you out. Now God can give the rope to get out, and he will pull, but you have to put your arms up and grab it without letting go.

I was in quicksand, I was almost comfortable with it, but this little nagging voice, the tired heart and body that couldn’t keep up with my kids. I am freshly out of it.

So, I wanted to share that you are not stuck unless you choose to be.

Grab the rope!!!!!!!!!!!

For Your Sake

Who are you to tell me how to live my life?

Who cares if you have good intentions?

I just started being healthy. Almost 35.

It’s like when you find Jesus and you want everyone else to know, so they can get to heaven with you.  I want my friends and family to be healthy with me. They would get so much more out of life.

I can see better now. (yes yes I see clearly now that the rain is gone) but more because the sugar and excess weight is gone.

It is like I have this magic eight ball. I can see why so and so is having trouble sleeping. Or why so and so is having what I would call sugar tantrums, or anxiety, depression.

I have struggled with all of these.

To be completely honest, I still do if I get off the exercising and eating right band wagon, which I do fall off occasionally, but now that I have seen the greener grass, I will climb barb wire to get back on.

The first time I ever felt like running. It wasn’t because I wanted to be healthy, or have a better body. It was because I was so pissed off at my situation and the fact that I could not do ANYTHING about it. I wanted to run I wanted to fly away. So I ran as fast and hard as I could, granted it was less than an eighth of a mile but it opened up something inside of me. No not my lungs they felt like they were going to burst. I was crumpled over on the road crying. To tell you the truth I did not feel any better that day, but the truth is I didn’t have any more energy to feel worse.

This was probably almost 3 years ago.  I have gone up and down the scale rollacoaster more times then I’d like to admit. Partly due to having a baby. But also I forget how good I feel when I let myself feel bad, and the why bother when I hit the weight platoe.

I can tell a major difference in myself when I get up and run or walk or do a yoga video versus when I wake up and do nothing. I am testy, aggravated to boot. When I get up and exercise and wipe myself out. I do not have the energy for the negative. I do not rent it space.  Plus I feel accomplished already.

Being a grown up now. I can look back and see that I never had any self esteem, never cared never thought that that could change. But it has. I like myself finally and I want to take of myself. I want this to shine through to my children, so that they can have these values and self esteem and self control and self discipline that I wish I could of had earlier on.

Live Like You Are Dying

What does this even mean? Well to me it is the stupidest most senseless thing you could say or tell anyone. Even if you are, do you really want to rush it?

What this also means is live your life like you are constant vacation. Which I have done for many years. Eat every meal like it is thanksgiving. Or better yet like it’s your last.

How stupid. Oh wait you’ve always wanted to jump out of a plane, well go do it! Which I have, very exhilarating. But how stupid! But I would do it again.

I am so fed up with this analogy that lets everyone do anything they want, without having to think of the consequences, what, why? because they are going to die anyway. Well news flash we all are going to. Does that mean you are in hurry to get there. Being a Christian I am kinda sorta am in a hurry. But not really I have kids and a great husband. I want to spend every second I can with them. So why did I wait until I was over thirty to finally take care of myself? Because I didn’t care before. I was enjoying every moment recklessly and really not enjoying much of it at all.

I think you should live like you want to live forever, that way your bodies can handle it. I am not saying, no fun, but I am saying, would you want someone you love to do that? Think about your life that way. Would you want a loved one to live the way you are?

I am recently battling a huge parent fail, that I have created myself. My son who is almost nine detests fruits and vegetables. He will eat corn on the cob, he eats spaghetti with the hidden veggies and drinks orange juice. These are about the extent of it. He has always been really active so I haven’t seen any physical side effects. He is still healthy looking, but has become less active, also another parent fail.

But recently I have been trying to take my health back. and i can’t get him on the bandwagon.  I need help………….

And just for the record I do like this country song.

Will Power (what is that?)

I realized today that I don’t have a theme or journey or anything day to day type blog. I just write or type when I feel compelled or lead to.

After thinking about it and going back to read my older posts, I can see a maturity growing. So I think that this blog is diagramming my writing and Christian maturity.

See now, as all stories go, well the ones with happy endings, the one’s who know that they have the happy ending, they have to have some bad bits too. If your whole life is cake and then you can actually eat the cake without getting fat, well you have no idea how lucky you are and most likely take it so far for granted that it would make other people sick.

On the other hand when you walk through the ruff and fire and come out still in one piece you can truly appreciate the good and happy ending.

Now I am not saying that being saved later in life makes you more of a christian, I am just saying when you live half your life really truly believing that you will rot in a wooden casket six feet under ground getting chewed through by bugs. Not a pretty picture. But when you can wake up one day and say no that won’t be me. Maybe my human body but not me, the part that really makes me me. That part is not my skin, my weight, my eye color, my crooked teeth. My soul is me. The never ending me. The last forever live in heaven me. So thankful for that.

So even though we should take care of ourselves, our bodies are not the most important. When we take care of our souls, I truly believe the rest can follow, if we so desire. The best quote I’ve heard was “not to rely on self will- power but to rely on God’s power.” That is from the Daniel Plan book, haven’t read the whole thing, but I think that may just be the best line in it. Because it is the truth, by ourselves nothing is possible, but with God anything is possible. Yes, thank you for that truth.

I am praying AND begging God to take the power, oh how do I wish He would just take my will away and give me a map, how many heartaches and mistakes could I of avoided if He worked that way. But He doesn’t, but He will guide us, if we take the time to ask Him.

 

Semi-Gloss

How are you? Good? That’s great, happy to hear.

How am I? Well I should answer with good. I should answer with great, blessed, and happy beyond measure.

Those are true and correct but yet not quite how I feel.  When people ask you how you are, you mostly answer with gloss, maybe the way you wished you were or maybe how you think you should be.

I have a wonderful family, I have everything I have ever wanted, I have much more than I need. But still I am not satisfied. I feel a longing, I feel like something is missing, like I need more…  More of what? Well I can answer that with my long past of trial of error. I can tell you all the things it is not. It is not more money, it is not more books, it is not more stuff( that is for sure). It is not more children (though they are a blessing).

The answer is more of God! I am a christian, an acting one as well, have been for several years. But yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I know that Jesus saved me and that I have a better place to be, but yet I live like this is where I collect my treasure. I have been living trying to cling and hold my treasures.

New phone, iPad, computer. Bookshelves full, nice car, wonderful kids, hardworking good looking husband. I have these.

Inner peace, complete and utter joy, feeling of fulfillment, love pouring out. These I do not.

Now the hard truth. We gloss over our lives, we are like paint, flat is boring, glossy is too fake, we all want to be semi-gloss. Just the right amount of shine, the shine that is believable even to our selves. We can trick ourselves to think we have it. We know we should, so we act accordingly.

I have no reason to be unhappy, an unhappy christian.? how is that even possible.? It is, it is called a selfish christian, such a thing should not be possible.

Being selfish with God, he created me, he knows what I am to accomplish. But I don”t seem to care, I keep running and trying to take charge of my life, like I hold the reins, like I can really make a difference by myself, without him. No…

I’ve been doing this dance for many years. I have everything I could possible imagine and blessed beyond measure, but yet I still have a hole.

How to make myself Whole and fill the hole. Well this is a start. Rebuking, finding my sin that is keeping me from God. My idols, the things I can hold in my hands and spend more time with them than with the One who gave me life and my children’s’ lives, and all these material possessions.

People are idols too. Having a great day and run into a snag or argument, or even into someone having a bad day. Then all of a sudden even though their day or mood has nothing to do with you, you take it on like, you created it for them. Letting someone control the way you feel, letting them take away a smile, letting them take away your good mood, and replacing it with sourness, that’s the devils work. Don’t do it for him.

I write this out loud, and pray that this will help me heal my issues. I only share this to try to help someone else trying to figure this out for themselves.

There is only one way to fill the hole. That hole was put there for that exact reason, but to often than not we have to fill it with all the things it wasn’t made for before we can find Who it was made for. So please do not be has stubborn or hard headed as I, just let God fill it to start, and save yourself some trouble.

 

How people come together. Part 2

They meet at the local dive bar after she gets off work.  They play pool, he finds out she’s actually pretty good, he lets her win a couple times, at least claims he did.

They talk and laugh. She keeps throwing money in jukebox. She dances while she walks and sings, with the look of no worries. She is relaxed, and she can not remember the last time she had this feeling.

They travel outside, away from the crowd and smoke. They looked at the moon, and they can still hear the music. They dance.. This is not a dance club nor with room or people that dance. There is a pergola with a bench and an ashtray. But they don’t notice the setting or passersby. They dance to a slow song, and then another, and another which feels like a minute and a million years all at the same time. In this moment they did not feel as strangers, they felt like they fit together, they felt like the place, the music, the whole setting, was made just for them.

This was the first date. This was the perfect one.

How people come together. Part 1

So here I am writing about things over my head and things that I do not fully understand. Well maybe just this one thing.

Once upon time there was a girl, she was old enough to be an adult but she did not have any of the maturity of one. So she was a girl.

The first time they met she had a boyfriend, she didn’t have any kids. He had a wife and 2 kids.  She was taken with this man. He was a man, she was a girl.  She met him where she worked, everyday she would see him, they barely spoke, she was shy and knew he was off-limits.

She stops working, moves away, thinking she’s grown, to only learn that she’s lived a very sheltered and entitled life. Moves to a place so unkind and tragic that she cries to come back home. 

So time passes, during this time she has pressed every limit and boundary. With the help of a couple rough relationships, one being very abusive, finally maturing she woke up from the fog she was living under with a baby.  Also during this time, this man had been going through a pretty tiring and trying separation.

Back to her… She had a baby, no job and lived with her parents.  Winner?  She followed the help wanted signs, even bagged an interview in the local porn shop, she was gonna take the job for as bad as she needed the money.  She receives a phone call, the place she used to work had new owners and heard she was a great employee, and wanted to know is she was in need of a job. Who her? Why YES!

Now she had a job, baby daddy in jail, and lived with her parents.  Getting better?  She meets this man again, infatuated with this man, still off-limits in her mind, he was married, she kept her distance.

Slowly they started chatting, both learning about the other, the hard times they were going through.  Separation, and newly single parenting.  Found out both their exes lived on the same road two houses apart (when her’s wasn’t in jail).

They were becoming friends. Nothing more.

She drove a busted ford escort, got it after she wrecked her nice car in a ditch, but it got her to point A and mostly to B.  She was working, he was there. Someone walked in and said “your brake light is stuck on”. Not completely understanding why but her first impulse was to look at this man, as he did work on cars, she had found out through their talks. “hey car guy, could you help me?” were her words. He casually nodded.

They walked out together, first time alone, it was dark so the light grew brighter as they walked toward her car.  He fixed the light, with his head by the pedals, she thought, why is the man being so nice? They never are this nice, at least to me. She felt grateful and strangely special in this moment. Then she asked “what do I owe you?” He replied “how about a game of pool?”