This is how I feel!

I like this blog and I love that I can express my feelings and thoughts to the “sphere” as I call the internet. What I really like that I can have a honest opinion. I know that one day I may end up with some actual comments and some of those comments may not agree with me on some of my opinions but never the less I get to have my own opinions and express them. My problem has never been conflict in fact I thrive on it, I love to have to prove my point or in a few cases learn that I am wrong.

However in my real life I am quickly beginning to lose any sense of genuine feelings. I know some people, that have to hear what they want to hear and they have to be able to say what they want to say. I find this fact infuriating. I have never been one to back down (oh no quiet the opposite), but I am learning something about myself and these others as this situation keeps persisting. I am learning about myself that I am not OK with this sort of relationship, and I am also learning that I am not OK with people who are OK with this type of relationship.

I recently gave up Facebook not the first time but I believe the last time. It was not due to the fact that it is addicting and a time warp ( which it is) it was also not due to the fact that I have to deal with selfies and self-absorbed people. It was due to the fact that I am friends with family members who unlike me get to voice opinions.

I deal with others telling me how they think I should act, talk or approach people and even though it hurts I nod and listen to their points, now you might think since I am trying my best to be supportive and polite that they would return the favor and hear me out. Nooooooooooooo. Absolutely not.

Now I am sure that someone can read into this and see that it is taking a lot of creative writing and a lot of beating around the bush to not say what the matter at hand is. Which goes to show that I am still not sure of the amount of privacy, and honestly it is sad that I am afraid to hurt someone’s feelings even though they are continually hurting mine.

I never pimped out my blog, I never linked it, I never really told anyone. Well my husband knows but he couldn’t find it well unless he went on my computer and went into my favorites. HA! So to my few followers thank you. I only do not share my writings because of these facts, and also this is my “Free therapy”. And even though this suppose to be my safe place I can still not bring myself to say what it is that is bothering me.

I have equated my recent behavior to my new but not so new Christian lifestyle. I am trying to do my best and turn the other cheek.. So some may call me weak, sometimes I feel that is what I have been with this situation, but it is only making me a stronger, think before I speak Christian. Also it letting me know how I honestly stand with those who say they love me.

Invisible?

Well I had forgot I made this blog until I got my first follower. So well I know that someone may read these. LOL I would first like to apologize for how boring they are. So ya all the stuff I said about finally figuring myself out was total crap. I have come to the conclusion that I am a constant work of improvement. I will never be able to pin point one thing that I would like to do forever. I however can have a list of things that I would like to accomplish. My next journey is that I would like to write a book. BUT who would read that?? I am trying to figure if I should make it fiction or non-fiction. I know I am not a celebrity or person of great worldly importance, so maybe I should just make up characters that could be. I have however had a pretty hard, eventful life, well at least up until now. Now I am just a boring happy housewife and mother.  I will say that it is a lot easier to write about dark depressing moments of life, it’s hard to write about sunshine and rainbows, guess that could be a children’s book.

 I want to include a poem I wrote about ten years ago, I edited it just a few lines, I want it to be the intro to the book that I may one day write:

Toss and turn

Crash and burn

Live and learn

Cry and yearn

 

Swift and sweet

Carry my feet

Bring me to a place

With a warm bright face

Touch the stars in the sky

A place where I can longer cry

Too much sun and too bright

Too much love to feel fright

A place far away from here

 

Put the salt from my tears

Screams from my fears

Into the depths of the seas

Up unto the tallest of trees

Put the pain from my heart

Into splashes of art

To make life feel able

To write my story as a fable

 

I want to write a story to let people know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you spend your life digging yourself into a hole, that it is possible to make a new way out.

Now I will find a put some incredibly cute pictures up so that I can create more buzz. 🙂