Warning.. spoiler… God can change your life

Young girls, when your parents or other older people tell you to pick a nice boy. To stay away from the dangerous, trouble boys, however cute they are, listen. If no one has told you this, then I am right now. Also know when you are little, that boy that hit you, that boy that was mean to you, and people said he is just picking on you because he likes you, that is crap, he did not like you, that is why he acted like that, it’s not some sort of  secret crush, it is just a mean little boy. So, when you get older the guy that picks on you, and teases you, that is not a secret crush, that is jerk. Young girls or older girls, and women, I know that there is something strangely attractive about a guy that doesn’t listen to rules, who makes their own, and who does not seem to have a single care in the world. Which makes sense, here’s why  because they do not have a care in the world, that includes you, they like to be chased, but will not do the chasing, they do not listen, that includes to you, they may listen in a conversation, but it will not stick. You may think that they need you; they need help, they need someone to be there for them, they do, they did, but it’s not you. I am sorry to say that they will break your heart. They needed their parents to of been there more for them positively, they need help now, but you cannot shoulder that responsibility the sooner you realize that, the better off you will be, and the less scars you will carry around with you. I have lived this; I have seen a lot of girls and women live this.

I didn’t a have a care in the world, not even about myself, I had been hurt over and over again, by those who said they loved me far too few times, and those who used me way me too often, and by myself I was working full force on my self-destruction. I used others just as they used me. I was damaged and dangerous; everyone should have stayed away from me. I was like one of those guys, only with girls, you will never find a guy who wants to fix you in that state, You will find guys that want to use you and leave you and maybe even join you in that state of mind. Do not get me wrong, there are nice guys out there up to the challenge of letting you heal. I finally found mine, I carried and still carry much baggage due to my challenging past, but you have to already be on the healing side of things, you have to already be living that life that you are trying to make better yourself, no one can do it for you…..
But For me to try to make my life better, it took a major wakeup call, it took more than just me, it took another whole human. It took me waking up one day feeling sick (nauseas) and tired (really tired) and sore, to know that something had changed in me. I had to, I had no choice but to change, I had no choice but to have a reality check, there was and somedays I still feel something is broken deep, deep down inside me. God knows why I started to change, and God knows why it took this to change me. I would have been dead by now. I’m not preaching a baby will save your life, I am telling you, that is my testimony, that God used a baby to change my life. I know far too many people who have children, and nothing has changed in them or their circumstances except they have more mouths to feed.

I took this responsibility serious. It was a sobering moment in my life, and to be honest I hadn’t had many of them, since I was a young teenager.

The day that I realized my life was not my own was on the day I found out I was pregnant. I was on my smoke break, the girls from work pooled together and got me the test. I was so scared to take it, they waited outside the bathroom door and I came out crying. I had tables waiting for their food, checks, and a welcoming greeting and I was too busy balling my eyes out. I learned this day that my life was not for me and in the same moment I knew I had been saved, in more ways than one.

I also knew that it was one of the best days of my life. How ever stuck I felt I also had a freeing feeling. During this time, I got to break free of chains I thought I had been forever tied to. I got to find myself and find God as well. I had been blessed with an angel and not only one to know about, but one to see and feel. It was at this point that I learned I had to grow up put on my big girl panties and get over my pitiful self-destructive life style, and as a plus I finally got the courage to leave my paranoid, controlling, and abusive in all ways boyfriend, but it was not for my sake. That was a lesson I learned the hard way, that just because something can change in me from feeling this miracle and responsibility, did not mean that the other party involved would care or change. Just because I recently found my clarity and sobriety didn’t mean much since, he did not have a baby growing inside him. Since we only really knew each other when we were one way or another influenced or intoxicated and was a disaster and unhealthy relationship to start with, it didn’t last much longer. There is a lot more to that part of the story, but not the important part.

It was so scary and yet exhilarating to have to care for another human being. It was the most eye-opening experience I have ever had just to carry my baby. It was very scary and humbling to have the responsibility of another human being. I wasn’t doing so well when it was just my own life. This baby, my baby saved my life. I know that, God knows that, and I’m pretty sure anyone who knew me, knows that. I was on a fast-spiral slide downwards. This child, some may think that he, wasn’t a child yet (which is another topic, a disturbing one but for another time) saved me and opened my eyes. If I had not become pregnant, I know for certainty nothing would have changed in me, I truly believe God used that special gift to make me aware that He did notice me. I would be dead, in jail, or worse if this hadn’t of happened how and when it did. I had already lost quite a few friends to drugs and alcohol related deaths.

I do not encourage anyone to have a baby to make yourself feel loved. I do not encourage others to have a baby to try to keep their boyfriend or make them change it wouldn’t work anyways. I know many people who did have babies and still lived that life.

It is your heart that must change. Me getting pregnant, that is not what truly saved me it, however, it is what shook me and woke me up, I was aware of the responsibilities that came with a baby. I was aware that I had to get my life together, and I realized that my slow, selfish, self-directed road to Hell had been detoured. I thank God and praise him for it every single day. I not only accepted the responsibility of whatever else was to come with my life, for my sake and for my child’s.  I had known God was around, but I did not let him in. This is when I really, undoubtedly and sincerely accepted God into my heart, once I did that my whole life changed. It is almost like this person I am telling you about isn’t me. That is partly true, this person isn’t me anymore. I am a firm believer that people can change, but only truly when God is the changer, anything other than that is only temporary, for we are not the author of our own lives.

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